It's been three weeks since Alice was born, and I've learnt a few things along the way. I wanted this blog to be largely the lighthearted parts of parenting; the funny, quirky things that happen. But there are also moments of seriousness that I wanted to share [like this piece of advice I gave to Alice well before she was born]. This is another one of the more serious posts. But don't fear, there's a funny Jimmy Fallon #Dadvice video embedded here for you.
If you're a parent-to-be, a new parent, or even thinking of becoming a parent, this post is probably for you.
- You're going to get fat. I gained 10kg's. My wife got pregnant, I got fat. Be aware of it, and try keep it under control if you can. I'll be spending 2017 trying to lose the weight I'd already lost, and that's no fun.
- Get gap cover. Medical aid is a scam. You're covered, but you're not really covered. Medical aids do not pay for the full costs of your procedures and you will be out of pocket by the end of it. Don't be like me and look into it too late.
- You can [and should] ask for a discount. Linked to that last thought, don't be scared to ask for a discount. If you pay early you'll get the price reduced [we got 10% knocked off, just because I asked]. It might not save you a huge amount of money, but it will save you money...and every bit helps.
- Skin to skin is a thing. It might seem weird and perhaps a bit uncomfortable in the beginning, but it was really great. Not 15 minutes after Alice was born I was with her in the nursery, shirt off, and holder her against me. It was a brilliant time for bonding with her, and I'd recommend it for any dad [especially if mom is having a C-Section and will need to get stitched up before she can be with baby].
- Night one at home is kak...and not just the nappies. Every little squeak - and Alice squeaks a lot - will make you sit bold upright and make sure she's okay. You will check her breathing all night. You will panic. A family member told us that he used to hold a compact mirror to his child's nose to check that there was condensation on it so that he knew she was breathing! If you have dogs, they will be freaked out on night one [our Pavlov jumped on me all night to get elevation to look inside Alice's crib]. It gets better, I promise. But night one is hard.
- You'll always be doing washing. Always. Every second day we have to wash the slip cover on Alice's changing mat. She wees on it [and on us] frequently and occasionally poos on it, too. Your baby will spew on its clothing which, especially in summer, can lead to the clothing smelling like sour milk - and that's not fun. There's also likely to be spew on its blanket, so you'll be cleaning that a lot. Your child's laundry basket will permanently be full. Get used to it. [Oh, and you're a new parent, so you'll be terrified of germs and things, so you won't leave anything to chance and you'll wash things probably too often. It's a thing.]
- You will mess up. You'll get grumpy and lash out at your partner. You will forget things at home. You will make bad decisions [see the bit about us messing up Alice's routine below] that will come back to haunt you. You will accidentally hurt your little one. Don't worry about it. Babies are resilient. You - and they - will be fine.
- Blankets are you friend. You need more blankets than you think you do, especially if you live in a cooler climate than I do [Durban, South Africa] and your baby isn't born in summer. Not only does it keep your little one warm [duh!] the fluffy blankets are also really comforting.
- Team work is key. The only thing a dad can't do is breastfeed. Seriously. Change the nappies, get your child ready when you leave the house, hold her when she won't sleep, look after her when she's niggly so that mom can catch a quick snooze. Not only will these things bring you closer to your baby, they'll also bring you closer to your partner.
- If possible, get into a routine. We've had two-and-a-half difficult nights with Alice, total, and they all came on the back of visits to a busy shopping centre during the festive season. She missed a feed by a few minutes, and the over-stimulation of the mall played havoc. On those two nights she didn't want to sleep - and when she did, she was wriggly and woke up sooner than normal. She fed differently. Yes, you do have to leave the house. Yes, you must go see your friends [we did on New Year's Eve]. Yes, your child must fit into your lifestyle. But try where possible to settle into a routine...and then stick to it. You'll all be happier for it.
- Develop a filter. Here's the thing: people mean well, but they also don't think beyond themselves. We had loads of people commenting on how small - i.e. "tiny" - Alice was, and it made us question whether we made the right decision to have the C-Section when we did, two-and-a-half weeks early [I'll post about the birth and what happened at some point]. We had another lady tell us to get Alice checked for jaundice because "I had a friend whose newborn died". I mean, how great is that for a parent to hear??? People say stuff and they don't realise how new parents, especially first-time parents, are affected by these things. You'll just have to learn to shrug it off, because people aren't going to stop saying things. They might comment on how "naughty" your child is just because they cry a lot or need a lot of attention or doesn't sleep or whatever. You'll need to surround yourself with people who are going to lift and build you up...and not terrify the crap out of you.
- Take pictures. A lot of pictures. Share them if you want to, don't if you don't want to. But take them. I've created three Dropbox folders of pics of Megan during her pregnancy, a baby shoot by our amazing friend Rachel, and even a "general" folder of, well, general pics. You'll want these down the line, and you'll be grateful you took them.
And now for the last one; the most important one:
- It's YOUR child. You're the ones up at 4.30am holding the kid in your arms because they won't sleep, or dealing with the stress of Home Affairs birth registration, or trying to get the medical aid sorted, or asking for discounts from doctors, et al. The mom carried the child during labour and had the morning sickness to deal with [or you went through the adoption process, if you went that route]. You were the ones that went for the scans, got stressed when things didn't quite feel right and rushed off to see the doc. Mom went through labour, either naturally or C-Section. Nobody else did these things with your child. You did. Now I'm not saying that you should disregard everything people say and every bit of advice you're given. Oh, no, not at all. It does take a village to raise a child. We've gotten some amazing advice from incredible people - and it's advice I'll follow and pass on, without doubt. But the bottom line is that the child is yours and you are responsible for it; the good, the bad, the whatever, falls on you and you will have to deal with it.
This is not an exhaustive list, obviously, and I'm no expert, even more obviously. If you have any tips or advice you'd like to give, please share in the comments section either here or on The Good, The Bad and The Daddy's Facebook page. I'll turn these into a future post, if I get enough of them.
If you're a parent-to-be, a new parent, or even thinking of becoming a parent, this post is probably for you.
- You're going to get fat. I gained 10kg's. My wife got pregnant, I got fat. Be aware of it, and try keep it under control if you can. I'll be spending 2017 trying to lose the weight I'd already lost, and that's no fun.
- Get gap cover. Medical aid is a scam. You're covered, but you're not really covered. Medical aids do not pay for the full costs of your procedures and you will be out of pocket by the end of it. Don't be like me and look into it too late.
- You can [and should] ask for a discount. Linked to that last thought, don't be scared to ask for a discount. If you pay early you'll get the price reduced [we got 10% knocked off, just because I asked]. It might not save you a huge amount of money, but it will save you money...and every bit helps.
- Skin to skin is a thing. It might seem weird and perhaps a bit uncomfortable in the beginning, but it was really great. Not 15 minutes after Alice was born I was with her in the nursery, shirt off, and holder her against me. It was a brilliant time for bonding with her, and I'd recommend it for any dad [especially if mom is having a C-Section and will need to get stitched up before she can be with baby].
- Night one at home is kak...and not just the nappies. Every little squeak - and Alice squeaks a lot - will make you sit bold upright and make sure she's okay. You will check her breathing all night. You will panic. A family member told us that he used to hold a compact mirror to his child's nose to check that there was condensation on it so that he knew she was breathing! If you have dogs, they will be freaked out on night one [our Pavlov jumped on me all night to get elevation to look inside Alice's crib]. It gets better, I promise. But night one is hard.
- You'll always be doing washing. Always. Every second day we have to wash the slip cover on Alice's changing mat. She wees on it [and on us] frequently and occasionally poos on it, too. Your baby will spew on its clothing which, especially in summer, can lead to the clothing smelling like sour milk - and that's not fun. There's also likely to be spew on its blanket, so you'll be cleaning that a lot. Your child's laundry basket will permanently be full. Get used to it. [Oh, and you're a new parent, so you'll be terrified of germs and things, so you won't leave anything to chance and you'll wash things probably too often. It's a thing.]
- You will mess up. You'll get grumpy and lash out at your partner. You will forget things at home. You will make bad decisions [see the bit about us messing up Alice's routine below] that will come back to haunt you. You will accidentally hurt your little one. Don't worry about it. Babies are resilient. You - and they - will be fine.
- Blankets are you friend. You need more blankets than you think you do, especially if you live in a cooler climate than I do [Durban, South Africa] and your baby isn't born in summer. Not only does it keep your little one warm [duh!] the fluffy blankets are also really comforting.
- Team work is key. The only thing a dad can't do is breastfeed. Seriously. Change the nappies, get your child ready when you leave the house, hold her when she won't sleep, look after her when she's niggly so that mom can catch a quick snooze. Not only will these things bring you closer to your baby, they'll also bring you closer to your partner.
- If possible, get into a routine. We've had two-and-a-half difficult nights with Alice, total, and they all came on the back of visits to a busy shopping centre during the festive season. She missed a feed by a few minutes, and the over-stimulation of the mall played havoc. On those two nights she didn't want to sleep - and when she did, she was wriggly and woke up sooner than normal. She fed differently. Yes, you do have to leave the house. Yes, you must go see your friends [we did on New Year's Eve]. Yes, your child must fit into your lifestyle. But try where possible to settle into a routine...and then stick to it. You'll all be happier for it.
- Develop a filter. Here's the thing: people mean well, but they also don't think beyond themselves. We had loads of people commenting on how small - i.e. "tiny" - Alice was, and it made us question whether we made the right decision to have the C-Section when we did, two-and-a-half weeks early [I'll post about the birth and what happened at some point]. We had another lady tell us to get Alice checked for jaundice because "I had a friend whose newborn died". I mean, how great is that for a parent to hear??? People say stuff and they don't realise how new parents, especially first-time parents, are affected by these things. You'll just have to learn to shrug it off, because people aren't going to stop saying things. They might comment on how "naughty" your child is just because they cry a lot or need a lot of attention or doesn't sleep or whatever. You'll need to surround yourself with people who are going to lift and build you up...and not terrify the crap out of you.
- Take pictures. A lot of pictures. Share them if you want to, don't if you don't want to. But take them. I've created three Dropbox folders of pics of Megan during her pregnancy, a baby shoot by our amazing friend Rachel, and even a "general" folder of, well, general pics. You'll want these down the line, and you'll be grateful you took them.
And now for the last one; the most important one:
- It's YOUR child. You're the ones up at 4.30am holding the kid in your arms because they won't sleep, or dealing with the stress of Home Affairs birth registration, or trying to get the medical aid sorted, or asking for discounts from doctors, et al. The mom carried the child during labour and had the morning sickness to deal with [or you went through the adoption process, if you went that route]. You were the ones that went for the scans, got stressed when things didn't quite feel right and rushed off to see the doc. Mom went through labour, either naturally or C-Section. Nobody else did these things with your child. You did. Now I'm not saying that you should disregard everything people say and every bit of advice you're given. Oh, no, not at all. It does take a village to raise a child. We've gotten some amazing advice from incredible people - and it's advice I'll follow and pass on, without doubt. But the bottom line is that the child is yours and you are responsible for it; the good, the bad, the whatever, falls on you and you will have to deal with it.
This is not an exhaustive list, obviously, and I'm no expert, even more obviously. If you have any tips or advice you'd like to give, please share in the comments section either here or on The Good, The Bad and The Daddy's Facebook page. I'll turn these into a future post, if I get enough of them.
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